Sirius's Confessions
by BuzzCat
Summary: Pretty much self-explanatory. Suprise ending? I don't know. You tell me. Rated for a single mentioning of something I can't type here.


_(A/N: Just to save people from wondering, yes, I was indeed very bored when I thought this up. Just a one-shot. I seem to be into those recently. Just a little self-plugging: Please review my story Character Interview. I really don't know where to go from where I am at, and need people to tell me what to do/ask of them. Asta la vista (sp?))_

Sirius nervously stepped into the large building. The high, vaulted ceilings were almost as high as Hogwarts. He wiped his hands on his pants, and proceeded through the church to the confession. He entered hesitantly, and knelt, speaking quietly to the unknown priest on the other side,

"Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest said in a deep voice,

"What wrong have you done, my son?" Sirius hung his head as his brain scrambled for a sin,

"Well… I've disobeyed my parents. Is that bad?" The priest replied,

"Yes, my son." Sirius shook his head and muttered,

"Not in my family it isn't." Sirius heard a rustling of fabric on the other side as he the priest said,

"What was that my son?" Sirius rolled his eyes and said,

"Seriously, the whole 'my son' thing is really starting to creep me out." The priest on the other side chuckled and said,

"Very well, male human, descendant of Adam and Eve." Sirius stared in disbelief at the cloth withholding the priest from his sight. The priest must have sensed his disbelief, for he said,

"What, is it so hard to believe that a priest can have a sense of humor?" Sirius flushed and said,

"Well, a… um…" The priest laughed and said,

"Continue, kid." Sirius nodded and said,

"Well, I charmed the professor's hair blue. Minnie didn't like that too much. I somehow managed to sneak into the girls' dormitory and stole all their knickers. And their—those things that go across the top. You know, the ones I get my hands under? What are those called? Um…" Sirius started snapping his fingers. The priest said in a slightly muffled voice,

"Bras?" Sirius clapped and pointed at the cloth as he said,

"That's it! Yeah, I stole those. And I've cheated on every single one of my girlfriends. And the only reason I have a prayer of passing Transfiguration is because I have blackmail for Minnie. I'll tell the whole school she's pregnant with either Dumbledore or Snivellus's kid. Yeah, so that probably isn't good. Uh… Oh, I stole Regulus's girlfriend from him. Well, the only one he ever had. And—" Sirius cut himself off. The priest must have sensed his hesitance, because he said,

"Come, my boy. I can't tell anyone anything you've said here. Plus, most of it didn't make sense." Sirius nodded and said,

"Alright," he took a deep breath and said in a quiet voice that was almost a whisper,

"I've been making moves on my friends' girlfriends. Padfoot and Moony would knife me through the spleen if they knew, but I've been making moves on Lily and Lyss. God,-sorry priesty—if they find out I'm so dead meat. Specially when the full moon comes."

"DAMN STRAIGHT YOU'RE DEAD!" James Potter burst through the thin cloth and had his wand at Sirius's throat in a second. The 'priest' burst through the cloth and Sirius found that the priest he had been confessing to was indeed his friend Remus. Sirius visibly gulped and said,

"If it makes you better, Lily slapped me across the face when I suggested to her we go upstairs." James growled. He masked his smile at the thought with the most vicious look Sirius had ever seen on the face of a buck. Remus said in a low voice,

"What did Lyss do?" Sirius gulped again and whispered something James didn't catch, but Lupin with his werewolf hearing, apparently did. He growled, and Sirius whimpered. James looked at Lupin and said,

"What should we do with him? I think it should be agreed upon by us." Lupin nodded. He glared down at Sirius and said without looking away,

"Well Prongs, there really is only one way to make sure that this doesn't happen again. This whole take-'em-upstairs thing." Sirius lost what little color he still had as he whispered,

"You wouldn't. Not that. Anything but that." James looked at Lupin and said,

"Moony, I couldn't agree more. Now, what's that spell again?" Lupin thought for a second, and realized with a start that he didn't know it. Sirius realized this and gasped with relief. James rolled his eyes and said,

"Do you have a knife?" Lupin brightened and pulled a pocketknife out of his pocket. He flicked it open, and Sirius stared at it like it was going to kill him. When you think about it, for practical purposes it would. Lupin tested its sharpness on his palm, and nothing happened. He pushed down with it as hard as he could, but nothing happened. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. Lupin shook his head and said,

"Wait a minute. Why are you even here?" Sirius blushed and said,

"Well… uh…" Lily and Lyss jumped into the already crowded confessional. Lyss was Lily's near-identical twin sister. The only difference was that Lyss had black hair. They burst out laughing. Their boyfriends looked at them quizzically. Lily managed to gasp out,

"We… schemed this whole…thing. Sirius never made moves on either of us. He wanted to prank you guys!" James visibly relaxed and pulled his Lilikins into a hug. Remy pulled his wand from Sirius's throat and looked suspiciously at Lyss. He said cautiously,

"What Sirius said…?" Lyss smiled and shook her head. Lupin's posture straightened up and he pulled Lyss into a tight were-hug. Sirius sat up, and grinned wolfishly. He leaned back against the wall, and the whole confessional fell apart. Thankfully, there wasn't anyone else in the church at the time. The couples walked out to get a booth at Zonko's Pizzeria (his dad ran the joke shop). Sirius quickly put the confessional together, and ran out to join them. As he ran down the street to catch up, an elegant Irish Setter walked out of an alley. Sirius stopped in his tracks. But after deciding that bestiality probably wasn't the way to go, he walked on to catch up with his friends. The Irish Setter watched him go, then turned back with a small _pop!..._

Into Molly Weasley.

_(A/N: I do believe that I've said this before, but I was really bored. I really don't even know where that ending came from. Probably some previously untapped sick genius. Or one too many hours in my head. Please tell me what you think!)_


End file.
